The Unwritten
TW: This article features descriptions of emotional abuse, sexual coercion, ableism please practise self care when reading.
One of my clearest memories of abuse was when my cancer was still growing inside me, undiagnosed. I had a rash, and mono-like symptoms. I was on antibiotics. My boyfriend Luca and I were on a road trip in rural Utah.
TW: This article features ableism, disability fetishism, biphobia and transphobia
I was fresh out of an almost 12-year relationship, I’d come out as queer and I was ready to fling myself headfirst into dating again. I hadn’t been on a date since the early 00’s, but how hard was this online dating thing really?
‘My body is betraying me’
This was the thought that flitted across my mind the first day the post-Covid fatigue took me down. It wasn’t, and still isn’t, actually betraying me, but I was upset and felt helpless and needed to be melodramatic for a moment.
I’ve always been what would have been described as a worrier, this was how things were labelled when I was young as mental health wasn’t discussed. This meant rather than spotting a problem earlier, the worrying grew until 5 years ago things came to a head. I was having a stressful time at work, managing several personal issues and everything got too much. I realised I was panicking about the possibility of panicking. That’s when I finally realised I may need help for my mental health.
TW: This article contains use of an ableist slur
I was 17 when it first happened.
I was in my bedroom when I suddenly lost all control of my body. I could feel my arms, legs and jaw violently convulsing. I could only watch in hopelessness as my body gave way and I collapsed. Still conscious and watching helplessly, I was trapped in my own body and simply had to wait for it to be over.
