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I Wish it Wasn’t Mandatory, Dying

Trigger warning: this article talks about dealing with impending death, dying and cancer.

At least not when you’re in your early 30s. It’s not supposed to go like that. My parents aren’t supposed to be planning for what happens when they bury their only daughter.

But I’ve found myself again, clutching my hands in my lap as I sit across from these very clever doctors who speak with soft voices and say words I’m not supposed to be hearing. 

Palliative. Inoperable. 

They suggest timelines (a literal deadline) that only adds up to months and it feels like the world is ending. Because it is. My world is ending. A lot quicker than I’d intended.

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For me, Answering “Why Didn’t you Leave Your Abuser Sooner?” is Simple. I was Disabled.

TW: This article features descriptions of emotional abuse, sexual coercion, ableism please practise self care when reading.

One of my clearest memories of abuse was when my cancer was still growing inside me, undiagnosed. I had a rash, and mono-like symptoms. I was on antibiotics. My boyfriend Luca and I were on a road trip in rural Utah.